Our dog sitter is ghosting while we're traveling. Do we confront her?
Traveling has always come with complications. Our By The Way Concierge column will take your travel dilemmas to the experts to help you navigate the new normal. Want to see your question answered? Submit it here.
“We’re on vacation for two weeks and hired a sitter through Rover to stay at our house and watch our two senior dogs. We’ve used the sitter for years, and she knows how to handle one of our rescues who can get a little aggressive with strangers. It’s been a few days into our trip, and our driveway camera has shown she’s left the dogs alone for more than nine hours at a time — much more than we’re comfortable with. Whenever we’ve checked in by text, the sitter says everything is fine. Should we say something about the huge gaps of time the dogs are alone? We’re worried she’ll get upset and quit mid-gig, and we don’t have a backup.” — Anonymous
Pets are adaptable, and experts say dogs can be fine alone for up to eight hours at a time. But it’s best not to jump into that pattern cold turkey if they’re used to having people around more frequently. And although adult dogs can be okay without a potty break for up to eight hours (per Rover’s website), dogs over 8 years old usually have a tolerance between two to six hours.
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But the problem here isn’t how long your dogs can be alone; it’s your absent pet sitter and whether to confront her.
Let’s start with what I heard from Rover, where you found your sitter. Dave Rosenbaum, a senior public relations manager for the company, called your situation a very rare occurrence. Of the more than 80 million services delivered through Rover’s platform, he says 97 percent end up with five-star reviews.
Of course, that doesn’t mean something can’t go wrong. Rosenbaum said the official Rover take on your case is to discuss your concerns directly with your sitter to ensure your expectations are met. As for your fear of her leaving, “if, for any reason, a pet parent needs a new sitter, our team can help identify other sitters in our community who can step in to assist with care,” Rosenbaum said via email, adding that the company has a 24/7 team to assist.
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Heather Wiese, a Dallas-based etiquette expert, agrees that you should “absolutely” say something to your sitter.
“This person is there to do you a service, and they are being paid,” she said.
As for what to say, Wiese recommends treading delicately — and only when you’re in the right head space.
“Course correction can be awkward, and it does take a light touch and a little dance,” she said. “And if you’re annoyed and you’re upset and you just want them to mind you, ... it doesn’t matter what you say, that’s what’s going to come across.”
Don’t come in hot; start by drafting a message only once you’re feeling calm and in control. Wiese says your goal is to come across like you’re on the same team. Go for gentle, honest and clear, and avoid sounding passive aggressive. An example she suggests: “I neglected to mention, but we really try to limit leaving the dogs alone to a four- to five-hour window. Is this something your schedule could accommodate?”
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“If she’s like, ‘Oh, no, I have an eight-hour workday, so I can’t come back,’ it may be time for you to call in a reinforcement,” Wiese said.
Thomas P. Farley, an etiquette expert also known as Mister Manners, agrees on going with a gentle request.
“I wouldn’t make a massive deal out of it at the time, but I would absolutely say something,” he said.
While you’re at it, “blame yourself,” Farley added, suggesting lines such as: “I know I’m an obsessive, but I like to give the dogs an opportunity to stretch their legs and go to the bathroom at least once every four or five hours. I know that probably means you have to go over there one more time during the day. Is that something you could do? It would mean so much to me.”
Farley would only mention that you’ve been monitoring their behavior as a last resort. “That evidence-based conversation really feels like now you’re on trial, and I think that would turn the conversation negative,” he said. Instead, “give the person an opportunity to reveal what the reality is. ... Any camera only tells a portion of the story.”
You’d think someone who’s doing this kind of work is a pet lover, and you’d hope they’d have your dogs’ well-being in mind with how they react. But if they do bail, call on a neighbor, friend or family member for a favor. If that’s really not an option, you may not want to push too hard and accept that, although your dogs are being left alone longer than you’d like, they aren’t necessarily in danger.
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Whether you’re starting with the gentle approach or entering a stern Phase 2, Farley recommends having “a live, real-time conversation coming from a place of care” on a phone or video call.
“There’s less chance of you seeming like you’re some Orwellian Big Brother who’s watching your every move and angry,” he said. “There’s so much nuance that gets lost [over text].”
Wiese cautioned to keep your past experiences in mind, too: “Especially if they’ve done a good job in the past, and you’re dealing with a problematic animal, because that adds a level of difficulty and complexity to that task that they’re performing for you.”
Next time, or with your next sitter, set clearer expectations to avoid this hurt. TrustedHousesitters head of community Angela Laws says they recommend pet parents and potential sitters establish what’s expected before any agreement is locked in, “and only when everyone is clear and arrangements have been mutually agreed should the sit be confirmed,” she said in an email.
That process starts with writing a thorough listing that outlines their expectations and the pets’ needs, so sitters have no doubt what their responsibilities are.
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